What This Lens is About

Orchids and flowers with faces. No, I wasn’t under the influence.

Excerpt

I don’t know why, I just think flowers with faces are hilarious. So if you want a humorous gift for someone that I guarantee will be utterly unique, check out The Flower With ‘Tude Shop. The caption on the T-shirt reads, “HEY! Who d’ye think ye’re calling PANSY?!!!”

Since this little guy would be pretty lonely by himself, I’ve gathered a brief anthology* of vegetable and floral humor from around the net.

Why I Made This Lens

My Mom suggested it.

Things I Learned Making This Lens

Make funny enough copy, and people read any amount of fluff. And vice versa.

Don’t delete your stupid lenses. Okay, it’s always third tier, but it’s always third tier. Unless you really feel it reflects badly on you, let them be.

I also learned the Greek word for the mental disorder that makes people see faces in inanimate objects.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

Don’t always do what Mom suggests.

Why more people favorited/rated this one than some of my best lenses.

SEO. What kind of URL is “http://www.squidoo.com/killerorchid” ?!!

Lens Stats and Milestones

As of today: Lensrank #76,696, 16 ratings, 6 favorites, 1475 lifetime visitors.

Best lensrank achieved: #2058 (you’re kidding!). Lifetime earnings: $5.54.

Link:

Not Your Garden Variety Orchid

What This Lens is About

Many famous funny videos, memes and major humor websites that people have been sharing since the beginning of the web.

Excerpt

Carson Williams’ famous Christmas lights display synched to Trans Siberian Orchestra became a Christmas 2005 viral video sensation — not to mention a Budweiser commercial. Like many viral videos, it launched a trend — many people now do this!

Why I Made This Lens

I wanted to share the humor sites and early memes that entertained me and friends in 1994-1995, when the web was new and gangly. More recently, I’ve been adding the modern popular memes and videos that attract more notice nowadays.

Things I Learned Making This Lens

People don’t vote on Plexos. People also don’t click on long lists of links. This lens had good content, but didn’t present it well. Now I’ve divided it into logical sections: Viral Videos, Movie Mashups, Flash Mobs, etc. I’ve trimmed out some of the less-funny stuff and added some full-sized video modules to attract quick clicks.  Organization is key, especially on a lens this long.

Last year I tried an experiment: giving an annual award to the best viral video. People like awards and badges. But I didn’t publicize it. This year I tweeted the winner hoping for a RT, and also emailed the site. We’ll see if I can get a little viralness of my own going with that award.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

Originally the title was, “Web Flotsam: A Connoisseur’s Collection.” That has NO keywords in it — nor does the url, “web flotsam.” I was similarly ignorant with tags. I did zero keyword research in an incredibly competitive niche — there are MILLIONS of web humor and funny video sites. I wasn’t even using jargon like “viral video” and “meme” when I started; I was calling it by my pet name “web flotsam.”

It would’ve been better if a) I’d done SEO and b) I had focused in on a narrower topic. Web humor is too broad for a short lens.

Lens Stats and Milestones

As of today: Lensrank # 30,723, 8 ratings, 2 favorites, 1406 lifetime visitors.

Best lensrank achieved: #3004. Lifetime earnings: $4.13.

Poor little lens. It deserved a kinder fate. Let’s see if it does better now that I’ve fixed useless tags and headers, done basic SEO, reorganized the content and added more video.

Link:

Web Flotsam: Funny Viral Videos and Memes

Related Lenses:

Funny Signs :: Student Bloopers

What This Lens is About

A funny (I hope) guide on how to use apostrophes correctly.

Excerpt

If you’re talking about joint ownership, put the ’s after the last owner:

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

But if you’re talking about separate ownership, then each owner gets his own ’s:

Bill’s and Ted’s underwear (They’re not wearing the same pair of underwear.)

Why I Made This Lens

I have a bizarre and abiding affection for apostrophes, and I hate to see them abused and misused.

Things I Learned Making This Lens

It’s really hard to make grammar lenses funny. Brevity is key.
A printable cheat sheet / summary is very useful for many kinds of lenses. Clickouts boost lensrank!

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

The lens is a little too long. I probably should’ve put the quiz nearer to the beginning.

Lens Stats and Milestones

As of today: Lensrank #8,644, 15 ratings, 12 favorites, 5032 lifetime visitors.

Best lensrank achieved: #302. Lifetime earnings: $65.36.

Link:

The Care and Feeding of Apostrophes

What This Lens is About

My favorite baseball player. Gah. Why did I get hooked on baseball? Oh yeah. Vin Scully, best radio announcer ever. Blast him.

Excerpt

May 5th, 2006. 23-year-old Russell Martin was called up from AAA Las Vegas for his major league debut to replace the LA Dodgers’ catcher, Dioner Navarro, put on the DL by a wrist injury.

June 21st, 2006. 33-year-old All-Star veteran pitcher Derek Lowe was getting frustrated after too many good outings without run support. Martin jogged out to the mound to check in.
“Relax, bro,” said the kid.
Lowe glared.
“I’m not leaving until you’ve calmed down,” Martin insisted.

Why I Made This Lens

Russell Martin was leading NL catchers in nearly every offensive and defensive category, but because it was his first full year in the major leagues, no one outside of Los Angeles was voting him in for the All-Star Game — they’d never heard of the kid! So I wanted to get the word out about him.

It helped! I got a ton of hits, the voting turned around in the last few weeks, and he went to the ASG!

Things I Learned Making This Lens

Pick a rookie player the INSTANT he starts looking like a good athlete. It is fairly easy to get a webpage on page 1 of Google for a rookie, before the media and fans have really “discovered” him. Of course, he may fizzle and burn, but you’ll own the Google ranking!

Fans are always looking for t-shirts and jerseys. Include an Amazon module selling them.

Note and be quick to add trivia the instant it comes out: name of new girlfriend, what the guy’s walk-up song is, why he changed the name on his shirt…etc.

Fans are also looking for photos, video highlight reels.

Don’t waste keyword space with a catchy title like “The Five-Tool Catcher of Cinquo De Mayo”. Use the guy’s name + his team name. That’s what people usually search for.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

Don’t make a fan page following someone’s career chronologically. After a few years, you have a HUGE amount of material, too much to plow through. I am still trying to trim and reorganize this lens.

Lens Stats and Milestones

As of today: Lensrank #15,769, 15 ratings, 6 favorites, 8838 lifetime visitors.

Best lensrank achieved: #202. Lifetime earnings: $99.33.

Related Lenses:

Russell Martin’s 2007 All-Star Season :: Vin Scully

Link:

Russell Martin of the LA Dodgers

What This Lens is About

Ten steps for writing a successful lens that will attract readers. This lens also has Squidoo Performance Polls inviting experienced Squids to share their best lensrank and typical traffic. If you haven’t voted, click da linkie!

Excerpt

The introduction is like a television episode teaser. You’ve got to “hook” your audience; don’t waste time on anything that doesn’t achieve that goal! At the same time, use text that contains keywords/search terms for Google. For example, I packed several keywords into the first sentence of my introduction module, and told people what they’ll get out of visiting the lens:

So, you want to learn how to build appealing Squidoo lenses (or any kind of webpage), attract web traffic, and get your Squidoo lens found by Google! This three-part tutorial covers…

Why I Made This Lens

I was brash and stupid. Doesn’t EVERYBODY make an expert lens on “How to Squidoo” while basking in the glow of early, lucky successes?

No, seriously, I was doing a lot of research on how to get traffic to web pages, and was having good luck doing it, so I decided to share what I’d found. (I did have previous experience from my own website).

Things I Learned Making This Lens

“Ten Steps to do X” webpages are very popular.
Squidoo members flock to lenses sharing tips on How to Squidoo, provided you give them specific, useful, unique guidelines they can immediately put into practice.
How to use/credit Creative Commons images.
“Ten Steps” isn’t enough. As time went on, I broke this lens into three: the first on how to write an appealing, effective lens that attracts readers, the second lens on bookmarks and social networking, and the third lens on SEO — search engine optimization — which I consider the best lens of the series.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

Yet another lens that could have been better-titled to capture searches. “Squidtips” doesn’t get searched often. Nonetheless, this lens is at the top of Google for “Squidoo Tips”!

Lens Stats and Milestones

Purple Star, 225 days on the Top 100 list so far, and it’s often #1 in the SEO category on Squidoo.

As of today: Lensrank #108, 856 ratings 956 favorites, 20913 lifetime visitors.
Best lensrank achieved: #8. Lifetime earnings: $259.80

Link:

Greekgeek’s Squidoo Tips: How to Get Your Lens Found

My ninth lens, Jackie Robinson: American Hero is one of my best lenses, with great videos and pictures and a story to tell. Plus it earns mon

I created it on 05/25/2007, a month after Jackie Robinson Day (Apr 15).

Photo Credit: Allan Grant
Buy at AllPosters.com

What This Lens is About

The story of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, and what he endured behind the scenes to help the cause of civil rights.

Excerpt

If a player punched him or spiked him with cleats, or pitched a baseball at his head that might kill him, he couldn’t respond. If an ump made an unfair call, he couldn’t respond. If hotels refused to house him with his team, if teams protested his presence on the field or cancelled games to avoid him, he couldn’t respond. If the papers vilified him, he couldn’t respond. If spectators cursed him or ordered him to shine their shoes or threw black cats onto the field, he couldn’t respond. If he got death threats pinned inside his locker, or if his wife was harassed in the stands, he couldn’t respond.

All those things happened…

Why I Made This Lens

I wanted to teach more people about a personal hero of mine, and get across what “breaking the color barrier” really meant. I wanted to create a charity lens to support the Jackie Robinson Foundation, which provides scholarships and training.

I also wanted to find and share some video of Jackie playing baseball, because he was amazing to watch!

Things I Learned Making This Lens

In doing research for this lens, I learned more about Jackie Robinson– including the fact that he starred in a full-length autobiographical film, which is now archived online!

I also learned that two legal sources of good photographs are The Library of Congress (only some photos may be used…check rights and permissions) and AllPosters.com.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

If there’s a lot of webpages already on your topic (especially famous people), it’s really hard to optimize or get your webpage to the front of Google search engine results. It would take a ton of linkbuilding. It probably isn’t possible, because the best pages out there already have thousands of links to them. The only thing you can do is target “long tail” searches.

Lens Stats and Milestones

Lens of the Day: April 15, 2009

As of today: Lensrank #43,829, 159 ratings 60 favorites, 4135 lifetime visitors.
Best lensrank achieved: #6. Lifetime earnings: $33.66

Link:

Jackie Robinson: The Story of an American Hero

What This Lens is About

My third day in Athens, visiting the Parthenon and monuments of the Acropolis. Originally it also covered the Museum of Athens, but that’s now a separate lens.

Excerpt

The Parthenon was massive, powerful, yet as familiar as my hand. There it stood high over Athens in the blue sky, sun, and open air. The wind was gentle, yet its soft breath added a sense of timeless presence and the natural world. Birds added a lively presence to silent stone: pigeons, doves, magpies, sparrows and swallows.

The old marble is faint gold. How many have walked there? I nearly shed my shoes again, but we had to keep moving. Our guide, Anna, provided a quick orientation to the Acropolis: the sack by the Persians, the Periclean building program (Parthenon’s dates: 448-447 BCE), the Parthenon’s use and the damage it suffered in recent millennia.

Why I Made This Lens

Yet again, my goal for Ancient Greece Odyssey is to share my journey to and love of ancient Greek sites.

Things I Learned Making This Lens

Vary blocks of text and photo galleries. Too much of anything gets long. I also found and linked to a good site on Greek art history where my readers could go for more details instead of filling the lens with too much info.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

Yet again I tried to cover too much on one lens: a whole day in Athens which included multiple museums and monuments. Keep lenses focused on one topic. Don’t use artificial divisions like days. Break your topic into smaller chunks and link lenses together. I later broke the “museums” section onto a separate lens.

Lens Stats and Milestones

As of today: Lensrank #32,795, 14 ratings, 4 favorites, 6734 lifetime visitors.

Best lensrank achieved: #943. Lifetime earnings: $27.58.

Related Lenses:

• Part One: Arrival in Athens
• Part Two: The Acropolis of Athens
• Part Two B: Museums of Athens
• Part Three: Eleusis, Demeter and Persephone
• Part Four: The Temple of Apollo at Delphi
• Part Five: The Citadel of Mycenae
• Part Six: The Palace of Tiryns
• Part Seven: The Sanctuary of Epidaurus

Link:

Part Two: The Acropolis of Athens

Note: My sixth lens, War in the 21st Century: A New (and costly) Paradigm was about the cost of the War on Terror. (I wrote it on 5/10/07. I was even more right than I knew, but it’s not a fun lens to recap.)

What This Lens is About

Easy instructions on how to build a tetrahendron-shaped kite using plastic drinking straws, kitchen twine and mylar or wrapping paper. (Wrapping tissue works great).

Why I Made This Lens

How to Build a Pyramid Kite is actually one of my oldest webpages! I first uploaded it in early 1994, when the web was a place to share free resources, research, and information– commercial use of the internet was actually illegal in the early years!  I didn’t have much to offer, but I knew how to make a kite, so I made this page. The lens still has my old graphics from my Mac LC.

I’ve added an introduction, Amazon and video modules, but the how-to part of the lens may be oldest webpage to be re-hosted on Squidoo.

Things I Learned Making This Lens

Monitor traffic stats and adjust your content to fit popular searches!

I quickly noticed a lot of students coming to my lens searching for “how to build a pyramid.”  So I added a note in the introduction telling students how to adapt my kitemaking instructions to build an Egyptian pyramid, and made them a stone-wall texture they could print out and use to wrap their “pyramid”. (Bonus — the graphic gave me more clickthroughs.)

Targeted Amazon Module

This lens seemed like one I could monetize. I am a kite connoisseur, so I gave a sincere recommendation for my favorite commercial kite, a little pocket kite that I’ve flown for years. Few of my lenses get sales, but this module does, because it’s clearly a personal recommendation of a product that the author has honest-to-gosh used.

Outdoor Products Are Seasonal

The longterm traffic stats graph for this lens is fun. There’s a Squidoo bug making my traffic stats not display properly, but you can really tell when kite-flying season is:

You’d see similar trends on beach toys and snow toys.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

The introduction module is a bit long. I give a little education about Alexander Graham Bell (inventor of this design) before getting to the how-to part.  I ponder deleting this, but his name attracts keyword searches. I started with a catchy phrase … “it’s a bird, it’s a plane…” which is not the most effective way to “bait” search engine results.

Also, I forgot that a pyramid isn’t really a tetrahedron. Whoops.

Lens Stats and Milestones

PURPLE STAR!

As of today: Lensrank #2,508, 15 ratings, 1 favorite, 20217 lifetime visitors.
Best lensrank achieved: #191. Lifetime earnings: $90.59

Link:

Basic Kitemaking: How to Build a Pyramid Kite

What This Lens is About

It’s my archive of funny, odd, and hilariously wrong statements from students I taught, plus links to other collections of student bloopers.

Excerpts

“Kouroi were created to portray young men and women about the age of puberty to show people in the moment in time at which the mortals were at the same perfection of the gods. Us mortals quickly lose this state of perfection.”

Q: The twins who are credited with founding Rome are…
A: Barbie twins

Why I Made This Lens

Student bloopers are FUNNY! I used to share them on my website. I was originally inspired by a student history of Europe that’s been floating around for decades, a compilation of student mistakes on various exams. It’s a time-honored practice among many teachers to keep a blooper file.

Things I Learned Making This Lens

• People tend not to contribute to plexos, apart from link plexos.
• Text plexos don’t take HTML formatting. Or quotes!
• But plexos are a snazzy way to list random funny things or quotes.
• The Amazon Spotlight is a really effective way to showcase one item.

Things I DIDN’T Learn Making This Lens

• If you set a lens to an R-rating (a student had used a four-letter word) no one will EVER FIND IT. This lens languished for years without any traffic before I bleeped the swear word and reset the rating to G.
• Save the puns and flowery titles for the page’s subtitle. The Title of the page is the link people will click on, so it needs to make clear what the page is about! That’s also important for SEO.
  “Student Bloopers: A Connoisseurs Collection” is an intimidating title. “Student Bloopers: Funny Stuff Kids Write” is more accessible, and includes the keyword “Funny” and “Stuff”. (“Stuff” is a very common search term!)
• Don’t make it so blinking long no one will read it! Lenses are not newspapers. They’re 1-page pamphlets.

Related Lenses

Funny Signs and Bizarre Billboards :: The Care and Feeding of Apostrophes

Lens Stats and Milestones

As of today: Lensrank #11,288, 10 ratings, 1 favorite, 1088 lifetime visitors. (It’s now getting 30-40 visits a week. Pity I didn’t fix the rating sooner.)
Best lensrank achieved: #3695. Lifetime earnings: $3.49

Link:

Student Bloopers: Funny Things Kids Write

What This Lens is About

It’s a Photoshop tutorial on how to give a photo a jazzy 3D frame somewhat like a polaroid. Note that this was before the Polaroid Module was released for Squidoo!

Example

Why I Made This Lens

I’ve loved making tutorials since the early years of the web, when commerce was not allowed and the web was simply a place to share free resources.

Related Lenses

How to Upload Images on Squidoo | Graphics Layout and HTML for Images

Glossy 3D Buttons Photoshop Tutorial | Where to Get Free Web Graphics

What I Learned Making This Lens

“How to” tutorials are a great topic for a lens: they are  just the right length for one page.

Tutorials need to be clear, brief, and have good step-by-step screencaps  (PrtScrn on a PC, Command-shift-3 on a Mac)!

The most important thing I learned is that Squidoo lenses work well when narrow and focused. People search the web for one to three things: to solve a problem (get information), to buy something, or to be entertained. If a page doesn’t seem to be fulfilling one of those needs within the first screen, visitors hit back and try another search result.

Here’s part of this week’s traffic stats:

I may add “photoshop frame tutorials” to Squidoo’s tags. But more importantly, for a tiny update, I’m going to see if I can work one or more of those phrases into the text of the lens, possibly into image alt-tags.

What I Did Not Learn on This Lens

SEO for Squidoo. I was just guessing what people might search for instead of researching it. Also, I didn’t yet fully understand what Squidoo Tags are for.

Clickthroughs are important. This lens gets 170-200 visitors a week, but is stuck in third tier since it makes no sales, earns few clickthroughs, and doesn’t get many ratings or favorites.

Lens Stats/Milestones

As of today: Lensrank #18209, 14 ratings, 9 favorites, 7856 lifetime visitors
Best lensrank achieved: #2340  Earnings May ‘07-Oct ‘09: $8.49

Link: Photoshop 3d Photo Frame Tutorial